Affair Recovery
From Darkness to Recovery
Does This Sound Like You?
You have recently discovered your partner's "infidelity" and are devastated. You have been searching online non-stop (what does it mean for you), trying to listen to podcasts & read countless "relationship healing" books but still finding yourself going in circles & feeling very "STUCK." You have been hit hard where it hurts the most – "Your trust has been shattered" & wondering, "How could they betray me?"
You are spiralling in a whirlwind of emotions, from anger & hurt to deep sadness & grief.
An affair includes any relationship with someone other than the partner that the partner perceives as threatening the primary relationship. Affairs include anything that violates a boundary between two partners, from one-night stands and online affairs to emotional and sexual affairs.
Most affairs are not about sex but stem from loneliness in the relationship.
Expectation of sexual monogamy is part of deep-attachment bonds between two committed adults.
Healing After Betrayal
We see you through your pain as a "hurting partner" when you are swinging in a pendulum of what to believe & what not to believe.
You must be experiencing a few of these reactions, like intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, mood swings, emotional numbness, shame, severe anxiety about the future, hypervigilance & powerful mood swings (extreme anger, insecurity & fear). I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with you even though you want to STOP feeling them; it's inevitable until therapy has a chance to create some healing.
As an "unfaithful partner," you are going through your own emotional rollercoaster of shame and remorse. Maybe you are also blaming your partner for what happened.
Do you feel that you don’t want to lose them, but your embarrassment comes in the way? Are you failing to hold responsibility but instead acting defensively or it's too difficult to stay stuck & you would like to “Move on”. “I care, but I don’t see how talking about it would help?” We want you to know that holding space for a hurting partner is hard, but healing is only possible through full transparency, remorse for actions & intention to repair.
Cheating is hard on both parties & deeply destroys the foundation of a relationship.
Dr. John & Julie Gottman through their extensive research in “love lab” define three phases of LOVE:
PHASE 1: Falling in Love “Limerence”
PHASE 2: Trust- Are you there for me?
PHASE 3: Commitment- Loyalty vs Betrayal
If you're stuck in phases 2 or 3 post-discovering an affair, you may wonder if healing is possible. The pain can be overwhelming, and you might be seeking assistance. At 'Voyage Couples Therapy,' we appreciate your courage in taking this challenging step.
What clients that reach out to us are searching for?
Inability to understand the emotional experiences of both parties: “Hurting” & “Unfaithful”
Feelings of anger & hurt after the discovery of an affair
Is it possible to save the relationship after an affair?
Was I not sexually attractive to them anymore when my partner cheated on me?
How to rebuild broken trust to mend the relationship.
We understand the impact of the aftermath of infidelity is most challenging, we hold your hand & swim with you to get you to an island of “safety & trust” as the hardest waves of emotions hit you & your partner.
Working With an Infidelity Therapist
We use the evidence-based “Gottman Trust Revival Method” developed by pioneers in couples therapy model Drs John & Julie Gottman, who have 40 years of breakthrough research under their belt.
Phase 1:
Atone
We don’t yet talk about “Why” the affair happened (stay tuned to learn why)
Betrayer makes a commitment to be “absolutely transparent”
Hurting partner asks questions about the affair
Learning to express feelings of hurt & anger without using criticism or contempt.
Betrayer partner expresses remorse for their actions, takes accountability & shows empathy
Betrayer commits to be a part of the healing journey with the Hurting party.
Phase 2:
Attunement
You learn to become more “vulnerable” & reverse the patterns of conflict
Understand why & how the affair happened.
Learning “Tools” for intimate connection
New conflict management skills are acquired through this phase using different interventions & tools.
Processing past regrettable incidents (excluding affairs)
You & your partner learning to be “Great Listeners”
Phase 3:
Attach
Working together towards “Re-commitment & Loyalty”
What does Forgiveness look like?
Building rituals of connection
Working on cherishing each other
Rekindle a passion-filled “sexual life”
You along with your partner also create a plan for consequences if future infidelity happens.
Frequently Asked Questions
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We at VCT hold a safe space for you to deal with the aftermath of infidelity & affair creating an opportunity to explore & express difficult emotions, feelings & thoughts that emerge at the onset of this new injury.
In our first session together with a therapist, you & your partner meet to understand your goals from therapy, each partner's story, and commitment to the counseling process. Your therapist needs to understand “why you are seeking therapy” & “what do you want from therapy”?
Together we explore relationship history, communication styles & the betrayal impact on relationships. We also split & meet for 1-2 individual sessions each to further understand the attachment style of each partner through navigating the story of your childhood (family of origin), past traumas, previous relationships as well as unmet needs from the relationship.
We gather together to create a blueprint for therapeutic goals by dividing them into small manageable steps to rebuild trust & foster healing.
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Your wound is very deep as the discovery of an affair has shaken the foundation of your “love house”, as you are struggling to wrap your head around everything. The decision to stay together or leave is completely yours & we support you on your journey of decision-making by breaking it down into small bits, holding a safe space for you to explore your emotions beyond anger (grief, sadness) allowing you to move from a place of stuckness to decision making allowing us to work on goals based on your decision making of “repair” or “dissolution”.
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Remorse & guilt are very closely tied to the discovery of an affair & as a betraying partner, we understand your concerns & apprehensions. We create an objective, safe & non-judgemental space to facilitate the healing that your relationship deserves by untangling from the cobweb of “shaming messages” received from society & community to recommitting to the process of healing for your relationship. Because you matter & so does your relationship.
I am ready but I have some questions. What do I do?
We at “Voyage Couples Therapy” understand the importance of having a connection with your therapist before you commit to the process. We offer a Free 20-minute consultation so that you feel completely confident in finding the right fit, understand our outcome-driven model & get started with building the dream life that you deserve.
Ready to take the next steps toward your healing expedition?
Explore Specialities
We encourage you to learn more about how can we offer support, and our modalities & identify services aligning with your needs.
Book a 20min Consultation
During our call, we explore your needs & goals, answer your questions & explain our process to therapy.
Attend First Session
After the consultation, attend your first session where we dive deeper into your objectives and begin our collaborative journey.